They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
