You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
