had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
