Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
