I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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