My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
