You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My bed smells like the plague
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
