my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Randomize
