she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
