aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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