I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
