I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
