She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
