He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
