its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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