What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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