I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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