i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
