So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
