He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
