Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
