I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
