I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
