just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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