He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
