Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need moral support for this bender
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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