she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
