I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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