Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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