my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
