drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
