My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
