Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
