I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
