my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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