I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
