Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
