I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
