2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
