I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
