I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
