Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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