So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
