When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
