While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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