rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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