I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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