He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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