So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
