I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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