Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
