Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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